Just as I thought the holidays made me feel better and the return to reality has made me feel worse.
I was hoping to stop my medication soon, but now I'm sure I have a long road ahead of me before I even dream of it.
Last week, the first week of school, was dreadful, horrible, painful in so many ways that it was almost unbearable. I kept going on thinking that it was all because it was the first week, and the first week after holidays is always bad for everyone. The week ended with a major crisis / panic attack on friday night, an hour and a half of uncontrollable crying, shaking and fear of I don't know what... 2 Xanax and 2 Victans later I finally got myself into bed and slept. But I kept thinking to myself it was all because it had been the first week.
But now is wednesday and things aren't getting any better. I'm starting to stare at my days again as if they were a blank calendar of endless hours of work and sleep and some personal obligations and nothing else. I stopped longing for the weekend because weekend doesn't still mean joy and freedom. Today, for the first time in many months, I didn't feel like doing what I most like to do, playing online, which is a sign that things are not good. I just feel like sitting on my sofa and waiting for everything to get better.In the meanwhile people keep telling me I have to be strong, I have to keep holding on, I can't give up and I can't have bad thoughts, and sometimes I hate them for that because they don't know what it's like to have to fight everyday just to get out of bed like I do. And then I think that probably they say that, because they don't know what else to say. I wouldn't know what to say... And then I feel like I've been bothering everyone with my complaints and that I must stop. And then I feel hopeless, because I think maybe this won't go away, maybe I'çç just have to learn how to live with this...
I feel sad that the little smiles and notes from my pupils don't make me smile anymore. I feel sad that whenever I'm alone, with no one around, I "rest my face" and take off the fake smile I put up for everyone to see. I feel sad that there's a day waiting for me and I don't want it to come...
I just wish I could stay in bed until all this went away... Supposing it will...
I'm afraid I'm stuck in this and damaged for good.
xo
