Just as I thought the holidays made me feel better and the return to reality has made me feel worse.
I was hoping to stop my medication soon, but now I'm sure I have a long road ahead of me before I even dream of it.
Last week, the first week of school, was dreadful, horrible, painful in so many ways that it was almost unbearable. I kept going on thinking that it was all because it was the first week, and the first week after holidays is always bad for everyone. The week ended with a major crisis / panic attack on friday night, an hour and a half of uncontrollable crying, shaking and fear of I don't know what... 2 Xanax and 2 Victans later I finally got myself into bed and slept. But I kept thinking to myself it was all because it had been the first week.
But now is wednesday and things aren't getting any better. I'm starting to stare at my days again as if they were a blank calendar of endless hours of work and sleep and some personal obligations and nothing else. I stopped longing for the weekend because weekend doesn't still mean joy and freedom. Today, for the first time in many months, I didn't feel like doing what I most like to do, playing online, which is a sign that things are not good. I just feel like sitting on my sofa and waiting for everything to get better.In the meanwhile people keep telling me I have to be strong, I have to keep holding on, I can't give up and I can't have bad thoughts, and sometimes I hate them for that because they don't know what it's like to have to fight everyday just to get out of bed like I do. And then I think that probably they say that, because they don't know what else to say. I wouldn't know what to say... And then I feel like I've been bothering everyone with my complaints and that I must stop. And then I feel hopeless, because I think maybe this won't go away, maybe I'çç just have to learn how to live with this...
I feel sad that the little smiles and notes from my pupils don't make me smile anymore. I feel sad that whenever I'm alone, with no one around, I "rest my face" and take off the fake smile I put up for everyone to see. I feel sad that there's a day waiting for me and I don't want it to come...
I just wish I could stay in bed until all this went away... Supposing it will...
I'm afraid I'm stuck in this and damaged for good.
xo
Hi Diana. I've been following your blog for some time, and I believe I have something similar. I may not always write when I read your posts, but they do make me feel better.
ResponderEliminarI wish you find the light at the end of the tunnel. We know it's there but we also know it's hard to find.
For the first time, I finally think I've found out what it is that I have, and why I have such strong, powerful and irrational fears at work--ergophobia. I'm really glad to see your blog, I've found virtually nothing online about ergophobia, not even at webmd.com. I know exactly what you mean about your home life being affected by worries of work, even if there's not necessarily anything to be concerned about. It used to be that my days off always helped me, but now my days off are often interrupted with thoughts/concerns about work. The times I feel worst are on my way to work and the night before going back to work after some time off--it's almost like I'm afraid I'm going to forget how to work. Sadly, I've had feelings similar to this at every job I've had, although this one has been the worst by far. How long have you had these kinds of fears? Have you felt like this at other/all jobs you've had?
ResponderEliminarHi Tom, I'm glad you posted on my blog. It makes me feel less desperate when I know that I'm not a freak with some kind of irrational disease.
ResponderEliminarI've had this for a year (my first panic attack was in January), and for what I can tell so far it's something that goes up and down.
Because I'm a teacher and here in Portugal we have a 2 month summer holiday, I got a lot better during July and August. It was as if I was totally cured.
But then since October I've been slowly going down again and these past weeks have been bad...
Today was actually a good day, but it's always at night, in the morning when I wake up and at the end of the week that it gets worse.
I always have a feeling that I'm one step from shutting down again and just stop doing everything, like I did last summer.
I've taught in different places and I felt the sae during this year, so I guess it's not related to any work environment. But I thnk that the more tired you are, the worse it gets.
How long have you had it?
How have you bee dealing with it?
xo
Diana
I've had it most of my adult life. And as I've mentioned, I feel like this no matter what job/work environment I happen to be in. I STILL think it'd be beneficial for me to leave my current job, but who knows if it'd help me permanently. I try prayer and just try to think more rationally and remind myself it's JUST a job. But while most people can remind themselves of that, I really can't seem to do a very good job of it. I've tried risterol, pristiq, several meds, although I'm doubtful any of those are ever going to help. I feel unbelievably happy at the end of the day, and particularly when I have the next day off. When I realize I work the next day, it sometimes feels like the walls are closing in on me and I just have a strong general wall of fear/doom that I can't control or stop. It's really hard for me to pinpoint even what it is that I feel scared about, I just know that these feelings of fear and anxiety are constantly with me. I take it ergophobia is a very new disease/diagnosis? Considering how little information I'm able to find online?
ResponderEliminarWell I'm no expert but you seem to be the exact definition of ergophobia... and it must be very recent because it's been hard finding information about it. My docotor mentioned it as a specific kind of phobia, but he didn't give me specific information regarding the diagnosis, only about my situation in particular... But he told me something that left me restless, he told me that I might have to accept the fact that this is something that can never go away totally, "it is not a sentence, it's only a possibility". It seemed to me he was trying to tell me "suck it up, you're damaged now live with it" lol But I have an appointment in two weeks and now that I've researched a bit more I'll ask him more.
ResponderEliminarMeds haven'r worked for you?
Antidepressants have made their share of work stopping my attacks (very very bad attacks), but the feeling inside remains the same. The same restlessness as the end of the night is nearer, the fear when I wake up, the constant dfeeling that it's all wrong...
The shrink always tells me that the best way to fight this is keep on going, never stop, fight the feeling and anage to go to work day after day...but what bothers me is that if that's what I'm to expect from life, then I don't think I'll take it. Some days (you must know) are really hard to bare...
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