In September 2009 I got a good job: teaching English at a school I liked, with lovely pupils, good working conditions and a good pay check. I also had a lot of private students asking for me to tutor them and I was really excited. It would be the first year I had a real job with a full schedule and a steady income.Except it wasn't.
In October 2009 I started feeling strange: I was ill-humoured and angry all the time, I had fewer and fewer patience for the little ones, I began losing interest in preparing my lessons and, even though I slept a lot, I was always tired.
In November I began crying. Getting out of bed in the morning was awful, and by the time I sat down to eat breakfast I was already crying and dreading the day ahead. Then my fiancée usually woke up and then I would say that everything was OK, we would rush ourselves out of the house, almost always already late, and go to work. And at work I cried too: I cried when I went to the toilet, before lessons and, by the end of the month, even during one lesson while listening to Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day.
I talked to my fiancée and, together, we came to the conclusion that it was all because of stress and too much work, and if I could make it to the Christmas holidays, then the two weeks of absolutely nothing to do but enjoy the season would make me better again. And so I held on.
Christmas came and went.
In the middle of January I came home after my first morning lesson, as I usually did, to grab a quick snack and a cup of coffee before the next lesson. I ate a biscuit, drank my coffee, put on my coat, grabbed my briefcase and my purse and said goodbye to my mum. I opened the front door. And then I realised I couldn't move. Tears started falling down my face and I went back to the kitchen and said something like "I don't think I can go."
Everything else is blurred in my mind. I remember the hyperventilating, the uncontrollable shaking, the desperate crying, the cold and the feeling of danger.
That was my first panic attack.
Since then I've been medicated with antidepressants, antipsychotics and anxiolytics.First I was diagnosed with a nervous breakdown, then with depression. I didn't leave my house for a month. I stayed at home the rest of the school year, tutoring only a few students, struggling with a lot of panic attacks and my fear of leaving the house.
In July the school year was over, and so was the possibility of me going back to work. Suddenly I started feeling better, started going and eating out again, started being normal again. It was a great summer. I felt cured.
But I wasn't. I started teaching again this September, October was okay but already kind of strange, and in November I started going down again. I thought I had a problem, since I was only sick when I had to work outside of the house.
Now, and only now, almost a year later, I discovered that I have ergophobia. Not laziness, not lack of will to work, but a disease, a phobia, as real as any other.
But I feel alone. Only a few people try to understand me, but because they don't know what it feels like, they don't really get it. I'm still working, but today my battery is officially low. I cancelled my classes today and probably will cancel them next week. Again I trust that this Christmas will make a difference.
Can someone help me?
Is there anyone out there who has this and that can tell me something comforting?
Please, if you have ergophobia or you think you do, talk to me.Maybe you can help me, maybe I can help you.
xxoo
Diana
Hi Diana, I empathize with you and your trials. I have not been diagnosed yet with Ergophobia as I am on waiting list to see a Psychiatrist, although I have been diagnosed with childhood AD/HD, depression, and anxiety disorder. I think some combination of my childhood experiences related to the untreated/undiagnosed AD/HD and my being "different" and bullied alot growing up has caused my difficulties in the workplace as an adult. I have just turned 39, and have been let go from eight positions in the past two years. I had gotten another new job last October, but I could not go back after my first day. I am afraid of being let go again... At this point, I am not able to even get out of bed in the morning, even the alarm clock sends me into fits of panic... let alone leaving the house to do anything at all. My boyfriend has been paying my rent, but since we have just broken up over New Years I am not sure what I will do. I am on anti-depressants and have anti-anxiety pills, but they don't really help (I have tried several). I am hoping that once I can get in to see the Psychiatrist that they may be able to diagnose me and then prescribe a course of treatment with effective outcome... I just want to be normal like everyone else who seems to have no trouble getting out of bed in the morning every day, five days a week, and maintains a job for more than three months at a time. Have you found any help since your last post? Does this help you? I hope you can help me too! Thanks for listening, and for sharing yourself here.
ResponderEliminarHi and thanks for sharing your problems with me.
ResponderEliminarToday has been a particularly bad day, because it's the first day of work after the holidays. Last night I was already with anxiety and I was dreading this morning but fortunately my alarm clock didn't ring (or I heard it and turned it off, honestly I can't remember...). I got up more or less normally, cancelled my lessons and now I only have lessons after lunch. Let's see how that goes.
I believe that you definitely have ergophobia, and yours is easily understandable. I'm very sorry that you and your ex broke up, it's awful to have other problems added to our own... Do you have people around you to support you? It's bad to be alone, even if the others don't quite understand you.
I've been feeling better since my last change of pills, and hopefully the doctor will be able to prescribe you something useful and efective, but the doctor also told me that it's very likely that it all will never totally disappear. He told me I had to try and deal with it the best way I can.
Sometimes when I'm about to have a panic attack I find that rushing to my workplace and facing the people there usually forces me to control myself, something that I'm not able to do when I'm alone. So maybe we do have some control over it, I haven't quite figured it out yet.
As for you it's totally easy to understand why you're so scared of going back to work. I don't know what to tell you, everyone says that we have to try and try and try but everytime that we can't so it we feel like we've failed and that drags us down, I know. Isn't there any possibility that you could work at home? Maybe not having to face anyone could help you get through it...
I always remember a song by Coldplay, I think, that says "nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard...".
I hope 2011 can bring you hope, strenght and a light at the end of the tunnel. You surely deserve it!
Whenever you feel like it talk to me.
xxoo
Diana