Life is a vicious circle

Hi everyone,

Thanks Bora, Jeff and the two anonymous who commented my last post.

And if you thought I'd forgotten all about my blog because I was better...well you were actually right and wrong. I felt better during the summer (no wonder, classes were over) and now I'm going to that very same dark place again.

The only big problem that is new in my life (it's not actually a problem, it's a blessing but it kinda made things more complicated) is that I'm pregnant, and because of that I had to stop all medication. And that messed things up really bad. Until September I had no probolems because there were no students, but now, almost a month after I started, things are going pretty bad. Strong heartbeats that ake it difficult to breathe, sweating, dry mouth, headaches (very strong ones), fear of getting up in the morning and, of course, dreadful panic attacks.

I don't want to stop working but I'm so afraid that this is hurting my little girl... I'm hoping to handle it until next week and then talk to my doctor about it.

Anonymous #2 thnak you so much for sharing your story with me! It seems that you've already been through a lot, and judging by experience teacher training is a very stressful period in our lives. I never felt any symptoms until I was already teaching, but these things are very tricky and you are definitely having some problems you might not be able to solve all on your own. I don't know if you suffer from anxiety or stress or if it's actually a disorder, but what I can tell you is to please seek help. Your regular physician or even a good psychologist can help you. Maybe if you talk about what bothers you you'll feel better. And if you need any other help, they'll surely help you get it. Don't hide at home or think that you have to deal with it on your own. When my problems started I waited almost 4 months before getting help, and those were 4 very bad months of sadness and dispair. Had I looked for help earlier maybe I wouldn't be dealing with this for the past 3 years...

Let me know how it goes and I wish you the best of luck!

3 minutes to my next lesson. I'll spend them forcing me to get up and head towards the classroom. Wish me luck because my baby girl is kicking really hard and I think it's because of the stress she feels when I'm this way.

Have a good week!

xxx 

Questions...

2 months have gone by and I can honestly confess that I feel the same way as I did before...


The same feeling that something is wrong, the same sense of uselessness when I think about my work, the same difficulty of getting up in the morning, the same desperate need to get better...

My doctor has increased my antidepressant and for a couple of weeks I felt better, but now everything is slowly going back to where I started.

Is this thing ever going to disappear? Am I ever going to feel the way I felt before about my job, pride and excitement and adrenaline? Will this ever go away?

Someone please tell me something good. xo

Blank

This has been a bad week.

Just as I thought the holidays made me feel better and the return to reality has made me feel worse.

I was hoping to stop my medication soon, but now I'm sure I have a long road ahead of me before I even dream of it.

Last week, the first week of school, was dreadful, horrible, painful in so many ways that it was almost unbearable. I kept going on thinking that it was all because it was the first week, and the first week after holidays is always bad for everyone. The week ended with a major crisis / panic attack on friday night, an hour and a half of uncontrollable crying, shaking and fear of I don't know what... 2 Xanax and 2 Victans later I finally got myself into bed and slept. But I kept thinking to myself it was all because it had been the first week.

But now is wednesday and things aren't getting any better. I'm starting to stare at my days again as if they were a blank calendar of endless hours of work and sleep and some personal obligations and nothing else. I stopped longing for the weekend because weekend doesn't still mean joy and freedom. Today, for the first time in many months, I didn't feel like doing what I most like to do, playing online, which is a sign that things are not good. I just feel like sitting on my sofa and waiting for everything to get better.

In the meanwhile people keep telling me I have to be strong, I have to keep holding on, I can't give up and I can't have bad thoughts, and sometimes I hate them for that because they don't know what it's like to have to fight everyday just to get out of bed like I do. And then I think that probably they say that, because they don't know what else to say. I wouldn't know what to say... And then I feel like I've been bothering everyone with my complaints and that I must stop. And then I feel hopeless, because I think maybe this won't go away, maybe I'çç just have to learn how to live with this...

I feel sad that the little smiles and notes from my pupils don't make me smile anymore. I feel sad that whenever I'm alone, with no one around, I "rest my face" and take off the fake smile I put up for everyone to see. I feel sad that there's a day waiting for me and I don't want it to come...

I just wish I could stay in bed until all this went away... Supposing it will...

I'm afraid I'm stuck in this and damaged for good.

xo

Strange but interesting inscription...

My uncle was travelling the other day to see our country better, see historical places and interesting things, and he came across a strange but interesting inscription in one of our psychiatric hospitals thats says:

"There's a lot of us here but we're all not here yet."

I can't seem to forget it.

xxoo

Diana

Happy xmas(?)

Christmas came and went and I felt very well. But, I felt good last year as well, and I wasn't OK, so I don't know what to think. Last year it was (or it seemed) a regular Christmas, and I think it has to do with the fact that I know I have two whole weeks without working.

Now I've already started thinking that I only have a week left and then I have to go back to work and it's kind of affecting me a bit...but I'm fighting it!

Every day I try not to think about work and let's see how things go.

I don't feel like going out for New Years Eve but my fiancee and my friends convinced me and we're going out to have dinner and then stay there and dance (it's a club). But I always have this voice in the back of my head saying that there is a small possibility that I will have a panic attacj and won't be able to make it. Still, I fight it every time I think about it.

The annoying thing about this is having to fight stupid thoughts all the time. And every time I talk about them to someone they always tell me I shouldn't be thinking them. But I'm not doing it on purpose... Bah it sucks talking to people who don't undestand and don't know what it feels like.

Hope you all had a nice xmas.

xxoo

Another day...

Another day is coming soon.


It's 00:32 and I'm feeling great, I've cancelled almost all lessons this week so I know I don't have to work. And this makes me feel light and cheerful. Like a pathetic little lazy girl who wants to skip school.

But I have to constantly tell myself that sometimes it's OK to give ourselves a little treat, and my doctor said that if I was feeling down and tired because I'd done so many things this school term, then I could give myself this xmas present. But I always wonder how I would wake up tomorrow if I had to work...

And, so far, another thing that's been bringing me a bit down is that I haven't found anyone with this phobia, no one has contacted me or commented something here just to let me know that I'm not the only person with this 'thing'. I know some people have it, but statistics don't make me feel better.

So, if you're reading this and you have or think you have my phobia, please, just say hi.

A good week to you all.

Diana

Hi, I'm Diana and I have Ergophobia.

In September 2009 I got a good job: teaching English at a school I liked, with lovely pupils, good working conditions and a good pay check. I also had a lot of private students asking for me to tutor them and I was really excited. It would be the first year I had a real job with a full schedule and a steady income.

Except it wasn't.

In October 2009 I started feeling strange: I was ill-humoured and angry all the time, I had fewer and fewer patience for the little ones, I began losing interest in preparing my lessons and, even though I slept a lot, I was always tired.

In November I began crying. Getting out of bed in the morning was awful, and by the time I sat down to eat breakfast I was already crying and dreading the day ahead. Then my fiancée usually woke up and then I would say that everything was OK, we would rush ourselves out of the house, almost always already late, and go to work. And at work I cried too: I cried when I went to the toilet, before lessons and, by the end of the month, even during one lesson while listening to Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day.

I talked to my fiancée and, together, we came to the conclusion that it was all because of stress and too much work, and if I could make it to the Christmas holidays, then the two weeks of absolutely nothing to do but enjoy the season would make me better again. And so I held on.

Christmas came and went.

In the middle of January I came home after my first morning lesson, as I usually did, to grab a quick snack and a cup of coffee before the next lesson. I ate a biscuit, drank my coffee, put on my coat, grabbed my briefcase and my purse and said goodbye to my mum. I opened the front door. And then I realised I couldn't move. Tears started falling down my face and I went back to the kitchen and said something like "I don't think I can go."

Everything else is blurred in my mind. I remember the hyperventilating, the uncontrollable shaking, the desperate crying, the cold and the feeling of danger.

That was my first panic attack.

Since then I've been medicated with antidepressants, antipsychotics and anxiolytics.First I was diagnosed with a nervous breakdown, then with depression. I didn't leave my house for a month. I stayed at home the rest of the school year, tutoring only a few students, struggling with a lot of panic attacks and my fear of leaving the house.

In July the school year was over, and so was the possibility of me going back to work. Suddenly I started feeling better, started going and eating out again, started being normal again. It was a great summer. I felt cured.

But I wasn't. I started teaching again this September, October was okay but already kind of strange, and in November I started going down again. I thought I had a problem, since I was only sick when I had to work outside of the house.

Now, and only now, almost a year later, I discovered that I have ergophobia. Not laziness, not lack of will to work, but a disease, a phobia, as real as any other.

But I feel alone. Only a few people try to understand me, but because they don't know what it feels like, they don't really get it. I'm still working, but today my battery is officially low. I cancelled my classes today and probably will cancel them next week. Again I trust that this Christmas will make a difference.

Can someone help me?
Is there anyone out there who has this and that can tell me something comforting?

Please, if you have ergophobia or you think you do, talk to me.Maybe you can help me, maybe I can help you.

xxoo

Diana